Twenty Five

Emily’s shift that night was an exercise in self-control. Luckily, it was a busy night and the time flew by, with little chance for Emily to dwell on her breaking heart. When Sarah asked her what was wrong, she told her friend about the subpoena, knowing that the lawsuit was already common knowledge in the department, and found out her friend had also been called to testify. She flippantly put her mood down to concern over the impending court date, hoping Sarah wouldn’t read too much into things. The knowing looks sent Emily’s way by her friend told her that Sarah suspected that there was more to the situation than an inconvenient court summons.

Emily, for her part, chose to ignore the broad hints dropped by Sarah that she should confide in her friend. It was all she could do to keep her mind on her work; baring her emotional soul in the emergency department staff room was simply unthinkable tonight. Sarah, obviously suspecting that things with Trent had gone sour, tactfully and silently supported Emily through the shift and walked her to the parking lot at its end.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” Sarah asked for the thousandth time as they stopped by Emily’s car.

“Yes,” Emily replied, trying hard to keep the exasperation from her voice. Her friend was well-meaning, after all. But even if she could tell Sarah without breaking down, she wasn’t sure she could articulate her desperately conflicting feelings.

There was Thomas, ever at the back of her mind, in her thoughts every single time she looked at her children, they were both so much like him. Although she had to admit that she was just now coming to terms with his being gone for good, she found herself wrestling with considerable guilt, both about her undeniable feelings for Trent, but, now also with the desolate sadness of her self-imposed exile from him. I shouldn’t be this upset, Emily thought. He’s someone I would never have fallen for if Thomas was still here. It was simply too much, she thought, to be in love with two men, one dead, one living but untouchable.

The fact was, thought, that regardless of how the trial went, it was clear now to Emily that she wasn’t ready for a new relationship. Her reluctance to fully commit herself to Trent, to trust in him these past weeks and let him into her life seemed now to be proof that she was making the right decision in breaking contact. The anguish she was feeling at the moment simply consolidated her firm belief that love always results in pain. Right now, the pain wasn’t worth it. Although she’d survived this before, and knew she could again, that morning, driving home from work, exhausted after a long night and about three days without a proper meal or a good sleep, Emily wasn’t sure she wanted to survive it.