Thirty Four

Emily and Ellen picked the kids up from school that day, and Emily was tired from a rough night, and irritable with fatigue and anxiety. She tried hard to maintain a civil face, but the constant chattering of the twins grated on her. The picked up drive-through take-out for dinner, as much to keep the kids quiet as for any nutritional purpose, and headed up the freeway. Ellen and Emily chatted a bit, but it was clear to everyone that Emily was distant and distracted, and Ellen picked up the slack, as usual, Emily thought, with the children. Emily was unable to eat a bite, and after Aidan and Ava had finished their food, Ellen put a movie into the DVD player for them and they settled.

“This must be some guy,” Ellen said after the twins had become absorbed in their movie.

Emily’s stomach lurched, either from Ellen’s perceptive comment, or from its silent implication, she wasn’t sure. Either way, she felt awkward discussing her feelings toward Trent with her mother-in-law. It seemed wrong, somehow.

“What makes you say that?” Emily asked warily, avoiding any admission of guilt.

“You’ve been a queen bitch all afternoon,” Ellen said frankly, and Emily glanced over at her, seeing a twinkle in her eye. They laughed, and the ice was broken.

“I guess so,” Emily said. “There are lots of… issues, I guess.”

“Issues? Like?” Ellen replied, shifting in her seat to look at Emily. Emily clamped her hands at ten and two on the steering wheel and stared straight ahead, silently thankful that she was driving and wouldn’t need to return Ellen’s gaze. She remembered the relief she’d felt when she realized that Ellen may not necessarily disapprove of her venturing out into the world, in spite of their relationship to each other, and to Thomas, the now-tenuous thread that held the whole family together.

“Issues like… like it’s been a long time since I’ve ‘dated’,” she said, making her fingers into quotation marks. Even though she no longer considered herself to be dating Trent, she realized the situation might come up again some day. “Like, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready for anything serious.”

“Is that all? I mean,” Ellen said and Emily raised her eyebrows, as if to say, ‘isn’t that enough?’. “Won’t that all reveal itself in time, if it’s the right thing?”

“Well, no, I guess it’s not all,” she said, but she couldn’t articulate any further, and left it at that.

“Those are superficial things that you know aren’t really issues, Emily. What are you really worried about?”

Emily was surprised to feel a lump rising in her throat. “I guess it’s Thomas,” she blurted without thinking, hot tears stinging her eyes involuntarily.

Ellen merely nodded, waiting for her to continue. “I keep thinking he’s here somewhere, and I should just ask him what he thinks,” Emily said, blinking furiously to clear her eyes well enough to see the road. “I know he’s not, but he was my best friend. I never made a big decision without him. This seems big, and it’s big because of him, because I still feel him here. And I want to know what he thinks about it.” Her voice broke.

Ellen reached over and rubbed her neck. “I think you know what he would say, honey,” she said after a moment. “He may not have had a chance to tell you before…” She hesitated, a rare catch in her own voice, and Emily was reminded, forcefully, that Ellen was talking about her son, not just Emily’s husband, not some random character who had no relationship to her own life.

Ellen continued, her voice again as solid as it had ever been. “I know how much he loved you, Emily, and I know he would want you to be happy, just like I do. You’ve been through hell, and you’ve survived. You’re a strong woman with good instincts. You won’t do anything stupid.”

Emily laughed gratefully, in spite of her tears. “I’m not so sure, El. I had it pretty bad for this guy, at one point, even though it’s not like that now. But What if I did do something stupid?”

“Well, I’ll always be here to drag you back down to earth,” Ellen said simply. “And so will your children. And so will Thomas.”

Emily glanced over at Ellen, wondering if maybe she’d misheard her.

“You were right, Emily, when you said that Thomas was your best friend. And he’ll always influence you, no matter how long it’s been since you last spoke. But he’s not here and the only responsibility you have to him now is to raise his children well. Part of that is being happy, living a normal life. I have no doubt but that it’s what he would want for you, even if he couldn’t provide it himself.”

Emily nodded thoughtfully. “I think it’s the whole first step that’s so intimidating,” she admitted. “I never even told Trent about Thomas or the kids, or you. It almost feels like if I say it out loud, it really will be true that I will never see Thomas again. And I don’t know if I can live with that.” She started to cry again.

Ellen was quiet for a moment. “I understand. But we will see him again, you know. We see him everyday.”

Emily looked quickly at her, confused. Ellen gestured to the two sweaty blond heads, dozing in the back seat, headphones askew.

“I see Thomas every time those kids look at me. Every time they speak. Sometimes, it’s so real, I almost call them by his name.” Again, Ellen’s voice caught and she blinked back tears.

“They are Thomas’s legacy. They are how we will remember him, every single day, and they are how we will honour his memory.” She stopped, the normally stoic woman struggling for control of her emotions.

“It’s okay to move on, honey. He’s gone, but not forgotten, and I know he would want us to, as hard as it is. Moving on doesn’t mean moving away.”

Emily smiled at Ellen, knowing she was right, and feeling unburdened for the first time in three years.